I thought marriage would save me. I believed all my problems would go away. Not just the external ones, but the internal ones too. Problems like insecurity, loneliness, and lack of love for myself. I couldn’t have been more wrong and I’m not the only one. People make this mistake all the time. Problems don’t just ‘go away’. You must deal with them.
How do you avoid making this mistake?
Stop dreaming about the perfect person and start picturing your best relationship. Don’t focus on the kind of woman or man you want to be with. Instead, focus on the kind of relationship you want AND who you want to be in that relationship. Above all, STOP making a check list of what kind of person you want!
Focusing on what kind of person you want to be with will take you to all the wrong places. Instead, focus on the kind of person you want to be in a relationship and what that relationship is like.
Here are 3 reasons why this will benefit you:
1. We are wired to project a false self. We all want people to like us. This is an ancient and primitive function of our amygdala and has been necessary for our survival. In ancient times, if our tribe didn’t like us, we might find ourselves outside of it. That was a death sentence. The elements and predators were too much for any one person. It was imperative to survival to be liked us and included within our tribe. That instinct sticks with us today in our tiny little lizard brain, the amygdala. We want to be liked, so we will often do whatever it takes to make that happen. We put up a façade and project those things that we think other people want us to be.
Focusing on the kind of person you want makes it difficult to tell if the person is what you want or if they are just projecting what they think you want.
But, if you focus on what you want your relationship to be like and who you want to be in it, you will know if that is happening. You’ll know if you’re able to be the kind of person you want to be in that relationship. It’s more difficult for someone to fool you that way. You’ll also be less likely to project a false sense of yourself.
2. Sometimes we can create a fantasy person in our head that doesn’t exist. What’s even worse is if you create that fantasy person and then find them. Fantasies, by definition, aren’t real. If you get the fantasy, then someone is lying to not be alone. Either you’re lying or they are. If you want to be with someone just so you aren’t alone you may want to learn to love and accept yourself a little more.
3. If you make a list of all the things you want that special someone to be, you may miss out on a great person right in front of you. Worse, you may create a list that is so ridiculous that you never allow yourself to connect with an incredible person. You might miss someone great because of a minor discrepancy, like the color of his or her hair. But if you focus on a healthy relationship, you will allow yourself to be present with the person across from you at any given moment. Being completely present is the surest way to know if you want to be with a person.
Sit down and give it some thought. Take a few days to ponder what you want your relationship to look like. Then, write down that best possible version of your relationship.
Determine what kind of person you want to be in a relationship. Do you want to be able to completely be yourself, accepted for who you truly are? Do you want to be spontaneous? Do you want to be honest? Do you want to be funny? If you can be who you want to be with a specific person it will be a great indicator of potential compatibility.
Finally, start becoming the person you want to be. Don’t wait for someone to come along before you start growing.