Embracing Guilt

All too often whenever I’m experiencing the feeling of guilt for having made a mistake or for having even willingly done something that I know is counter to my own good and the good of others, I immediately try to ‘sorry’ myself to death. I go into this spiral of repentance and trying to figure out how I’m going to make up for whatever mistake I made or whatever penitence I need to pay. I can become so determined to get rid of the bad feeling and remorse so quickly that often times I don’t actually allow myself to feel what I naturally NEED to feel in order to process the situation.

I’ve written and spoken many times about our need to NOT hide from the emotions we are feeling, negative or positive, but to embrace them. To allow them to hit us with their full force. This does several things that raise the quality of our lives.

One, it allows us to experience life fully, in the moment. When we hide or run from our emotions and feelings, or spend our time trying to work around them, we are cheating ourselves from the opportunity to know what it is to be human. To know what it is to feel in the center of our being. Remember, we cannot mitigate our negative feelings without mitigating our positive ones as well. So to the level with which we don’t allow ourselves to feel disappointment, anger, or sadness, we also negate the ability to feel love, joy, or satisfaction to that same level. This my friends, will lead to a very one dimensional, flat-lined life. Feel it!

Two, it allows you to be as truly sorry or repentant as you need to be. Let’s say you have made a mistake that has actually hurt somebody emotionally or even physically. Or maybe just hurt yourself emotionally or physically. If you try to skip over the remorse and get right to the apology, it will be empty. You’ll know it and they will know it. But if you allow yourself to completely feel the remorse until you realize the extent to which you are sorry, your apology and how you make up for it will absolutely be genuine, authentic, and enough. However, we must walk the fine line between shaming ourselves (this is bad) and truly allowing the feelings to run their course. Don’t shame yourself to try to feel worse or talk yourself into feeling better. Just sit back, be aware, and experience what you are feeling.

Maybe you will realize that you aren’t sorry and that even though you thought you should feel bad, you don’t. Or maybe you will realize that even though no one else thinks you did anything wrong, you are aware that you crossed a line within your own moral code.

Third and finally, embracing our emotions allows us the chance to take advantage of the opportunity to love ourselves. What? If you are having some feelings of remorse or regret, you are immediately facing an opportunity to not only allow those feelings to hit you, but to remind yourself in tangible ways, that even though you made a mistake and hurt yourself or someone else, you still love yourself and accept yourself just the way you are. And I’m serious about this one. Why wouldn’t you take every opportunity to love yourself and care for yourself?

After embracing your feeling of guilt and owning it, and you've been careful not to ride the wave of shame, then you are in a great place to move forward.  Maybe it's an apology.  Maybe it's not.  Maybe you're sorry.  Maybe you're not.  What is it that you're feeling?  That will determine your way forward.  Truly and in an authentic way.

_____________________________________________________________________

"One's suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields - even to sadness."  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy."  ~Jim Rohn

"Guilt is anger directed at ourselves - at what we did or did not do. Resentment is anger directed at others - at what they did or did not do." ~Peter McWilliams

Being a 'Perfectionist' never leads to Freedom

People wear the badge of ‘perfectionist’ with pride. They believe that if they call themselves a perfectionist they have already attained a sense of worth. This is crap thinking. Just plain crap. The only thing being a perfectionist will guarantee you is that you will never have the kind of freedom you want and you will be stuck with a tremendous amount of shame. Every perfectionist that I’ve worked with has wanted to attain a certain amount of freedom. Financial freedom. Freedom from the expectations of others. Freedom to travel. Freedom from their scheduling. Freedom from _________. Freedom has actually been a goal for these people. The irony here is that they have chosen perfectionism as a path to freedom. You cannot get to freedom by trying to be perfect. It’s like trying to hate your way to love. Or like trying to mitigate your way to success. It just can’t be done.

Where does the shame come in? Well first of all, can we all just admit there is no such thing as perfection, in the traditional sense? No one is perfect. No one can be perfect. Aiming for perfection so that you might land on something good is also a trap. In trying to be perfect we say no to a ton of opportunities because all the stars aren’t ‘aligned’ perfectly. And when we do say yes to a few opportunities we end up disappointed that things didn’t turn out ‘perfectly’. At that point we find ourselves holding a bag full of shame for how we failed in this way or that.

The real kicker is that calling yourself a perfectionist brings about a certain sense of pride because we get to project a certain persona of elitism. “I want to do things perfectly because that’s what I demand of myself. I have high standards.” But you can have high standards and not be a perfectionist. This false sense of pride allows you to be ok with never accomplishing what you want because you can always throw out your project and declare… “It just wasn’t perfect.” Being a perfectionist affords the perfect opportunity to make excuses and partner with resistance without being aware of it.

Perfection NEVER equals freedom.

But if your intention is truly to experience freedom, why not substitute the word ‘adventure’ for ‘perfection’? Adventure certainly leads to freedom. Adventure allows you to take calculated risks. And while these risks are loaded with the potential to make mistakes or even fail, it’s totally acceptable because some of our most adventurous moments come from failures. Not the kind that end our lives, but the kind of failures that allow us to learn incredible lessons and move beyond our comfort zones. When you aren’t afraid to make mistakes you not only find yourself ready to move forward in a project with more boldness and zeal, you will also find yourself succeeding where you thought it wasn’t previously possible.

Substituting adventure for perfection allows you to take a risk. And the only way to really succeed is to find a way to become comfortable with risk.

Substituting adventure for perfection will release you from the paralysis that comes from over-analyzing every single decision. If you’re an over-analyzer, and you find yourself in the paralysis trap often, I can almost guarantee that you consider yourself a perfectionist.

Substituting adventure for perfection will immediately help you to live into the feeling of freedom. Why? Because you will actually be free from the shame, second guessing, and potential excuses that might have previously been created.

So let me ask you. What sounds better to you? What sounds like more fun? What sounds like a healthier way to live your life? Being an adventurer, or being a perfectionist. If you still think being a perfectionist is a badge of honor, maybe you need to find a new stylist. Choose adventure. It makes for a much better story.

__________________________________________________________________

"Jazz stands for freedom. It's supposed to be the voice of freedom: Get out there and improvise, and take chances, and don't be a perfectionist - leave that to the classical musicians." - Dave Brubeck

"It's a way of thinking that says this: 'If I look perfect, live perfect, work perfect, I can avoid or minimize criticism, blame and ridicule... All perfectionism is, is the 20-ton shield that we carry around hoping that it will keep us from being hurt." - Brene Brown

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a (crappy) first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it." - Anne Lamott

The Incessant Voice of Your Mind

“What did he mean when he said ‘you look tired’? Maybe I am tired. Maybe he just meant that I’m ugly but was afraid to say that. I don’t think I’m that ugly. Maybe I should think I’m ugly. I’m better looking than he is, so why would he say that? Stop thinking this way. It will only make me feel bad. I always go there, to the negative right away. Why do I always do that? Maybe I just need to sleep more. I’ve always known that I need to sleep more. I should have made it a higher priority before now. Why don’t I go ahead and take a nap right now? I’m too busy to take a nap right now. I don’t even have time to be thinking about all of this stuff anyway.” How often have you had a conversation like this? The voice within your mind is always there isn’t it? Always having a conversation and always trying to make sense of the world around us and filter things in a way that makes us a bit more comfortable with reality.

And that voice is always speaking. It even changes sides of an argument within a few minutes. It won’t shut up. The voice just drones on and on and on. You don’t think so? Then try this exercise. Sit for 3 minutes and try to think of nothing. Within moments the voice will show up. “Why are you doing this? Why are you even reading this stuff? This is a waste of time.” Or… “This is good. This is exactly what you needed. You needed to clear your thoughts for a few moments.”

So tell me this. Which of these voices are you? Are you the voice that thinks this is a silly exercise? Or are you the voice that thinks this is just what you needed?

The answer is that you are neither. You are not the voice in your mind. You are the one who observes the voice. You are the one who, if you allow yourself, sits back and relaxes and just listens to what the voice has to say without attaching yourself emotionally to it. Michael Singer puts it this way, “Suppose you were looking at three objects – a flowerpot, a photograph, and a book – and were then asked, ‘Which of these objects is you?’ You’d say, ‘None of them! I’m the one who’s looking at what you’re putting in front of me. It doesn’t matter what you put in front of me, it’s always going to be me looking at it.’ You see, it’s an act of a subject perceiving various objects. This is also true of hearing the voice inside. It doesn’t make any difference what it’s saying, you are the one who is aware of it.”

This is essential to growth, to realize that you are not the voice of the mind, you are the one who observes and hears that voice. If you don’t understand this, you will find yourself in endless conversations in your mind with people who have upset you, over and over again. Anytime you hear that voice and it makes you feel uncomfortable, you won’t be able to rest until you spend your energy analyzing, over analyzing, and dove-tailing the conversation in your head until you’re too exhausted to go on. But it won’t end the voice. The voice always has something to say because the voice’s job is to try to make you somehow more comfortable with the world outside of you.

So what can you do? Try this. Next time something happens in your life that you didn’t expect or didn’t want and the voice begins to try to make sense of it all and begins talking incessantly, instead of engaging in the conversation in your mind, sit back and listen. That’s it. Don’t become attached emotionally to anything the voice is saying. What you will find is that eventually the voice will fade away, just by observing it. Because in observing it, you will realize that you are not the voice, you are the one listening. And the truth is, when the voice can no longer work to make you more comfortable, it will cease to speak… for the time being. At that point, you will not have spent your energy being caught in a conversation in your mind. Instead you can begin asking uninterrupted questions. “What is it that just happened (whatever caused the initial conversation to start) and why does it truly disturb me? What is it that I’m really bothered by? Is the true problem that this person is asking a favor of me? Or is it that I often don’t think I have what it takes to really help people.”

Once the voice subsides, you have the freedom to ask questions that will help you get to what is truly bothering you. And once you know what is at the heart of the matter, you can deal with it appropriately. Also, you will find that if you practice this, over time, you will become much more aware of who you are and what you truly want in life. Give it a shot? What do you have to lose other than the constant chatter of the voice in your mind?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtasked.” ― Oliver W. Holmes, Sr.

“The voice in her head told her not to trust him. But then, the voice in her head didn't trust anyone.” ― C.J. Daugherty

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.” ― Mother Teresa

If you are interested in subscribing to the mailing list and receiving these via email, simply click under ‘subscribe to the mailing list’.

The Terrible Tango

I subscribe to very few email lists. Sure I get my Groupon on… who doesn’t love a deal? But for the most part, I only receive regular emails from 4 groups. Mostly it’s because I believe these 4 people have some incredible content and I don’t want to miss it. One of them in particular I receive every single day. I look forward to the wisdom and insight that’s packed into this one particular daily newsletter. It’s powerful. A few weeks ago I realized that it had been over a week since I had received an email from my friend and mentor. I was used to getting them daily and thought that he must have been out of town, or super busy. In fact, as I thought about it, I couldn’t remember a single day where he hadn’t sent his encouraging note. It was not just something he took pride in; it was his work to make sure he connects with his hundreds of thousands of peeps every day. So I went to his website to see if he had indeed been posting his regular thoughts. Sure enough, there were some incredible insights posted for each day that I had not received an email. Then it hit me. Like a left hook that I never see coming. I must have done something to make him mad or disappoint him and so he took me off his newsletter email list. When I felt that knuckle sandwich it totally through me for a loop. The skin on it’s knuckles was coarse and pulled taut over those jagged bones, and made quite a connection with my jawbone. After the punch had landed it left the taste of sulfur in my nostrils and palate. A putrid punch that cold-cocked me. I frantically began to wonder what I had done that disappointed him so much that he no longer wanted me to be on his mailing list. I immediately created at least 5 different stories in my internal narrative of how I must have done something wrong to offend him.

Ridiculous isn’t it? That’s the first place I went and I sat with it for a while? Here is a guy who has thousands of people on his newsletter list. And yet somehow I thought he would single me out and remove me. And this is someone I’ve spent hours upon hours connecting with on a personal level, who has done more for me as a writer and mentor by lovingly pushing me and encouraging me than any other single person.  On top of that, it usually takes an act of congress to be removed from a newsletter.

It’s crazy isn’t it? No matter how far down the path of self-acceptance and love that we travel, we can still be blindsided by the most ridiculous thoughts. And that’s OK. It is completely acceptable to be struck out of the blue by absurd negative thoughts. We constantly have them running through our minds, ponging back and forth, even taking both sides of an argument! It’s ok to allow these thoughts to come and go. It’s when we grab on to one of them and take it for a prolonged spin on the dance floor that we end up being sidetracked from the good stuff in life.

I couldn’t shake the possibility that I had somehow done something to make my friend mad at me. I tried several practices that normally shake me loose of random thoughts of destructiveness, but to no avail. So I went in for the kill. I reached out and asked him if there was a reason I hadn’t been receiving his daily emails. Within seconds I received a quick reply that let me know that indeed they had been sent from the company he used to send his newsletters, along with links to show they had been sent, and a few suggestions as to possible problems with my IP server. To boot, there was a nice personal note of encouragement as well.

The music stopped and my dance with inferiority and the absurd ended. No sooner had those feelings dissipated than another immediately tried to take its place. Shame. “How could you allow this to happen? I thought you were past these farcical feelings and thoughts of inferiority and insecurity. How could you let this happen?”

This time, I immediately declined the request to hit the dance floor with shame. I walked away.

Have you found yourself listening to the plethora of voices that are trying to hijack your internal narrative, the story of your life? Is there a way you can go for the jugular and step off the dance floor? Is there a TRUSTED friend or mentor you can call and say, “I have this thought that won’t let go, can you tell me if this is true?” Go for it. Now. Don’t spend another moment dancing with the partner you have a hard time saying no to… especially when there are so many lovely partners that are just waiting for you to ask, “Can I have this next dance?”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts." - Robert Schuller

"Question: Why are we Masters of our Fate, the captains of our souls? Because we have the power to control our thoughts, our attitudes. That is why many people live in the withering negative world. That is why many people live in the Positive Faith world." - Alfred A. Montapert

Freedom from the Approval of Others

Recently I had been feeling some anxiety and I couldn't pinpoint where it was originating.  When this happens it becomes sort of a heavy feeling in my chest and a relentless weight on my mind.  Whenever I experience this sensation I know that something is off center in my life. So with great persistence I process and analyze until I discover where the anxiety is coming from.  I’m careful to allow every feeling, even ones that are distressing, to flow through me so that I can become more aware their origins. And then it dawned on me. The anxiety was coming from a desire to be liked and to have the approval of others.  This is something I've battled my entire life and for the majority of my life it's a battle that I lost more than I won.  This is what drove me to alcohol abuse and constant cocaine use when I was younger.  This is what had led me to a pattern of destructive relationships.  This is what had me hating myself in the past.  However, many years ago I became aware of my destructive behavior and did something about it.  What's more, these last two years I’ve also become aware of the things I need to do so that I am on guard against this and I had found a distinctly profound sense of freedom from it.  And for the most part I had been doing really well.  However, the desire for approval is a crafty one.  We all want to be liked and we all want to be approved of by others.  Those who say they don't struggle with this are either lying to themselves or aren't aware of it.

But there it was, rearing its ugly head again.  I began to think through the different people that I wanted approval from and the list seemed pretty long.  Not as long as it had been in the past, but long nonetheless.  The incredible news is that just knowing where the anxiety came from was 80% of the battle.

I knew I had to get centered and connected to my true source and to myself.  I reminded myself that I am enough, just the way that I am and that this world is better off with me being my authentic and true self.  That guy that I am who tries to win the approval of others doesn't really bring life to anybody, especially himself.  But when I am my true self, life abounds. When I am connected to the divine and loving myself from that place, something incredible happens, Divine energy if you well, that flows through my life.

As I connect to the true source and to myself, the anxiety dissipates almost immediately. All the energy that I was spending worrying about how I'm perceived and if people will like me is no longer wasted on that useless endeavor.

We never add value to ourselves, the world, or those we love by trying to win the approval of others. It's only in affirming our authentic selves that we have the energy to care the way the world needs us to care.

The feeling of freedom that comes with casting off this anxiety and weight of desire for approval is almost blissful. I can be me, and that's enough. I'm grateful.

What about you? Who do you want to like you? Whose approval or you after? Go ahead and write out their names. Then once you're done ripped the paper up or burn it or whatever it is you do.

How do you connect with the source or with yourself? What is it that you do that that grounds and centers you and your true self? Do it. Do it today. Do it now. And then enjoy the freedom.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval"  - Mark Twain

"People who want the most approval get the least and people who need approval the least get the most." - Wayne Dyer

"When anyone starts out to do something creative - especially if it seems a little unusual - they seek approval, often from those least inclined to give it. But a creative life cannot be sustained by approval, any more than it can be destroyed by criticism - you learn this as you go on." - Will Self

If you are interested in subscribing to the mailing list and receiving these via email, simply click under ‘subscribe to the mailing list’.

Are You Beautiful?

Within the music industry there have been a few songs that have been released recently with the same theme. It goes something like this… “This girl, that I think is beautiful, is beautiful because she has no idea that she is so. She doesn’t recognize her own beauty… and that is why she is beautiful.” I get the sentiment. There is something whole and pure about not being arrogant about one’s outward appearance. That being said, I couldn’t disagree with these songs more. Women aren’t beautiful because of their ignorance. That’s not what makes them beautiful. If you have a woman's heart and you’re reading this, you need to know this. You’re beautiful because of the way your particular smile curves on your face. You’re beautiful because of the depth in your eyes. You’re beautiful because of the shape of your cheek bones and the way your hair falls around your face or the way your neck runs from your shoulders .

You’re beautiful because of the way your heart moves for others. You’re beautiful because of the depth of your love for your children. You’re beautiful because of the way you choose your words. You’re beautiful because you were created uniquely with great care. Speaking for myself, there are too many ways that you are beautiful to actually put into words.

Does everyone think you’re beautiful? No. Should they? Yes. If you have a woman’s heart and you’re reading this, there is a good chance that you are fighting these words with every ounce of your being. You may be thinking, “well Brad is right when it comes to other women, but this is not true about me.” YES IT IS! I’m writing to you!

“But Brad, I don’t want to be one of those women who comes across as arrogant and full of themselves.” Then don’t. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging your beauty. In fact, embracing your beauty is one of the sexiest, most attractive things you can do. It is whole and holy. Sacred. Just because you acknowledge your beauty does not mean you need to use it to manipulate the world around you. Just because you recognize that you’re gorgeous does not mean that you must use that to gain favor.

Not knowing you’re beautiful IS NOT what makes you beautiful, contrary to what recent pop and country songs have told you. You just are beautiful. Deal with it.

This is one of the most difficult pieces I’ve ever written. Not because the content is complex or complicated. It’s not. It’s just that there are so many more things that could be said at this point. So many ways that one could go with this subject to help alleviate the anxiety and confusion that can often accompany this topic. “I don’t really believe I’m beautiful.” “I don’t know how to accept my beauty.” “I can’t stop comparing myself to other women.” “I don’t want to focus too much on my looks.” “I long to hear my dad say it.” “I just want to have my husband say it.” “What does my beauty affect?” “How does it affect?” “What good is beauty anyway?” “Isn’t beauty just superficial?” “How beautiful am I?” “But I just can’t stand how my _________ looks.”

And I could go on and on. But I’m going to end with this…

Acknowledge your beauty. Embrace it. Sit with it. Sit with it for a long time. Stop what you’re doing right now and tell yourself that you are beautiful. Even if you don’t believe it. Say it. Don’t ask someone else their opinion. If you don’t believe it yourself you won’t believe them anyway. Just tell yourself you’re beautiful. Do it now. Because you are. And you NEED to embrace this. The world needs your beauty and we need you to know it. You’re beautiful.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“When you’re different, I think that’s beautiful. If you’re operating on nothing but who you are really, that always looks good.” ~ Macy Gray

“Define your own beauty… Rejoice in the fact that there is no E=mc² formula for beauty.” ~ Jenyne M. Raines

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

If you are interested in subscribing to the mailing list and receiving these via email, simply click under ‘subscribe to the mailing list’.

Do this... and Watch the World Change

In my life’s work, I come across a lot of people who are searching for their purpose.  In fact, almost everyone I come across is, in one way or another, struggling to find or fulfill their life’s purpose.  And when I meet someone who is lost in addiction or unhealthy relationships, it often seems like they are trying to manipulate the world around them in an attempt to fulfill their undiscovered purpose.  I’ve read many pieces within the last year that are calling for people everywhere to stop ‘wasting’ their time searching for their purpose.  The argument is made that searching for one's purpose is a self-serving endeavor and adds no real value to the world.  I believe those people are simply cynics, searching for something to write that grabs the attention of the populace.  Those folks couldn’t be more wrong, in my opinion. There is something profound that happens to a person when they realize and discover what it was they were made for.  But a fundamental part of our purpose, I believe, is to add value to the lives of those we come in contact with.  An integral part of our purpose and ‘calling’ is to add value to this world in only the way that we can.

Living into our life’s purpose can’t only be about us.  It must be about how it makes the world a better place.  Think of all the great musicians whose music adds to the lives of those who connect with it.  The artist, whose work moves the people in the deepest ways. The author who writes because if she doesn’t, something within her will die.  She writes for herself, but by living into her purpose, her words move us in the most profound ways.  The mechanic, who is gifted, offers his services to those of us who aren’t, and in fulfilling his life’s purpose, he adds value to ours.

Giving from the depths of our lives to someone else is sacred.  What could be more holy than adding value to someone’s life?  Interestingly enough, it seems that those who do live into their purpose and simultaneously add value to the lives of others are rewarded the most.  Whether it be fiscally, spiritually, or emotionally.  You see we don’t give of ourselves to be compensated.  We give of ourselves because in so doing, we honor the Divine, others, and ourselves.  It is sacred.  It is holy.  But in knowing and recognizing that we are fulfilling what we were made for, we are already rewarded.

If you’re having a difficult time discovering your purpose, we should talk.  If you’ve discovered your purpose, but are wondering how it adds value to the lives of others, look deeper.  I guarantee you if it is truly your life’s calling, it will involve you giving to others to some degree.  Here are some questions that may help you in this process.

-Does living into my purpose add value in any way to others?

-Does me fulfilling my purpose move people to a higher place?

-Am I focusing too much on how I’ll be compensated instead of how I can give more of myself?

-Am I afraid to be compensated for what I do because I feel I don’t deserve it?

-In what ways might I intentionally add value to this world with my work?

Finally, if you're still having a difficult time wondering if your work adds to the lives of others, don't simply assume it doesn't.  Think more of yourself than that.  Find someone you ABSOLUTELY trust and ask them the ways you think your life's work makes the world a better place.

If you would like help with any of this, please email me and ask.  I'd be happy to walk you through it.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

"When I chased after money, I never had enough.  When I got my life on purpose and focused on giving of myself and everything that arrived into my life, then I was prosperous."  - Dr. Wayne Dyer

"No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another." - Charles Dickens

"We make a living by what we get.  We make a life by what we give." - Winston Churchill

If you are interested in subscribing to the mailing list and receiving these via email, simply click under ‘subscribe to the mailing list’.

Sucker-Punch Unwanted Thoughts

11 days ago I issued the ‘One Day Self-Love Challenge’.  I’ve never gotten so much feedback and so many responses as I have on that one day.  I’m still getting emails from people telling me about their experience on that day and the subsequent days since. One of the things I knew would arise for most participants was emotional roadblocks.  It happens every time we set our mind on change in our lives.  All kinds of feelings of unworthiness and shame arise almost immediately after deciding to value and love ourselves.  Steven Pressfield calls this ‘resistance’.  One reader wrote, “It’s just so ironic how I’m supposed to be loving myself during a time when I feel so completely irrelevant”.  But it’s precisely the recognition of these negative feelings that confirm that we are in fact on the right path.  Resistance almost always shows up when we begin to make a change that might lead us from the comfortable into something that is new and healthy.  And trust me, making major changes to the core of your belief system about yourself WILL be uncomfortable.  The more you can be ok with the uncomfortable, the better quality of life you will have.  Mastin Kipp says it this way… “The more you can learn to live with necessary risk, the higher quality of life you will have.”

Now, let’s get right to some grounded action steps that can really pack a punch.  Self-loving mental and verbal affirmations and attitudes are necessary on your journey.  But loving yourself through actions puts greater power behind your transformation.  Using affirmations helps to change your belief system and can be a shock to your long held current paradigms.  But self-loving actions actively tear down your old limiting belief system while simultaneously reinforcing your new beliefs.

What are self-loving actions?  Anything you do that effectively cares for yourself.  Going for a run.  Eating a healthy meal.  Not smoking.  Walking away from self-destructive relationships.  Engaging those people that always seem to lift you up.  Writing.  Painting.  Reading.  Anything that is good for you.

When your actions show you that you love yourself, it is one of the most powerful affirmations.  It cannot be argued against.  And you feel this.  For many people it is extremely difficult to change their thought patterns because they run into their old beliefs like a brick wall built to keep them a prisoner.  But actions bypass the thought patterns all together and can be like a wrecking ball to limiting-beliefs.

In the next 3 minutes, determine exactly what loving action you are going to do for yourself.  DO NOT put this off.  Decide right now and commit to it.  One action of self-love today.  Do it for the love of yourself.  One final thought.  Don’t let this exercise become a list of things you ‘should be’ doing or ‘shouldn’t be’ doing.  That’s like waiving a white flag of surrender to shame.  As soon as you begin to think about all the ‘shoulds’, simply let those thoughts flow on by like a toy boat on a mighty river.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

"Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you." - Thomas Jefferson

"Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often." - Mark Twain

"There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction." - John F. Kennedy

If you are interested in subscribing to the mailing list and receiving these via email, simply click under ‘subscribe to the mailing list’… all the cool kids are doing it.

I Could Never Do That

I have a friend who writes, directs, and occasionally acts in his own movies.  He comes up with the concepts and the storylines, writes out the script, and then proceeds to bring it to life.  He talks Award-winning actors Into being in his films.  He secures the locations to film these movies, the funding, and then he gets them distributed. These films win awards and he is now highly sought after to direct major film projects. I often used to tell myself that I could never do that and was totally amazed by his ability to succeed at what he wanted to do. I wished that I was born like he was, because he obviously had something that I didn't. I have a friend who writes beautiful music and Tours with possibly the most famous American rock band ever. He is a phenomenal musician and is excellent at what he does.  He is highly sought after to perform as a solo act now.  I used to tell myself that I could never do that. I used to wish that I was born with whatever it was that he had that enabled him to accomplish so much in the area of life that he loved, music.

I have a friend who is writing a book at the urging of some famous authors. Every time he speaks people gather around him to hear his insight. Strangers from all over the world write to him and ask him for his thoughts and let him know how much he has impacted their lives with his blog. I used to think that I could never do that. I used to wish that I was born with whatever it was that he had so that I could impact the world like he does

And then I discovered the difference between my three friends and myself. They don't wish for anything. They pursue that which they love and are constantly aligning their passion with their work. Nothing is impossible when we choose to no longer limit ourselves with our limiting belief systems and align our passions with our work.

How does my friend succeed in the film industry?  He wants to and believes that he can.  I came across a quote awhile back that when I read it, awoke something within me.  It sounded preposterous to me when I first read it and I balked at the audacity that someone had to put that out in the world.  And yet I wrote it down immediately, knowing that something within that quote resonated with something within my soul.  I’ve searched and searched but cannot find the originator of this quote.

“You have within you, right now, everything you could ever need or want to be a great success in every area of your life.  You have within you, right now, deep reserves of potential and ability that, properly harnessed and channeled, will enable you to accomplish extraordinary things with your life.  The only real limits on what you can be, have, or do are self-imposed.  They do not exist outside of you.  Once you make a clear, unequivocal decision to cast off all your mental limitations and throw yourself whole-heartedly into the accomplishment of a great goal, your ultimate success is virtually guaranteed… as long as you don’t stop.”

What is the monologue in your head these days?  What is it that you have convinced yourself you cannot do?  Do you know how to change that track in your head?  Are you willing to dare to be more?

Take a moment to list 3 self-imposed limits that you have placed on yourself.  Now challenge them with the audacity to believe they are lies.  Now pick one of them and make a decision to let this next thought sit with you for the day… “I can _________________.”  You fill in the blank.  Do it now.

If you are still having difficulty with this idea, contact me.  I'm glad to help.  Seriously.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” - Jesus Christ

"To grow, you must be willing to let your present and your future be totally unlike your past.  Your history is not your destiny." - Alan Cohen

Today's The Day - Self-Love Challenge

I know it’s hard. I know that there is all kinds of resistance right now because you allowed just a sliver of permission to enter your mind to participate in the One Day Self-Love Challenge. You’re skeptical of the meditation and affirmation work. It feels like too much work and time for something that is for simpletons and weak folk. But I also know that if you have these thoughts, you are probably aware on some level that this is the voice of resistance. You are aware on some level that you need to, even want to grow in your love for yourself.

Let’s get one paragraph of perspective in and call it a day. It is only one day in your life. Commit… and I mean really commit to the One Day Self-Love challenge and see what the day is like. Don’t give up in the middle of the day just because more resistance pops up. You can always return back to your daily routines and thoughts tomorrow. How’s that working for you anyway?  How much energy is it taking you to try to control everything and gain the affirmation and validation that you so desperately want?

It’s just one day… and today is that day. Join me. Here is a reminder of what we will be doing… One Day Self-Love Challenge.

One Day Self-Love Challenge

Yes, I do believe that one of the single most effective and powerful things we can do to participate in the Divine’s transformation of our own lives is to learn to love ourselves more.  Time and time again, as I work with people, when we get to the core of the problem, be it limiting belief, addiction, etc., it is a lack of self-love.  The thing that’s behind the thing that’s behind the thing is that they have placed a very low value on their life and don’t believe they deserve to be happy.    It is the most messed up thing of all and most people are barely aware of it. I genuinely think people want to be happy.  Yet deep down in places they haven’t explored often, they don’t believe they deserve to be happy or are worth it.  It’s the most devious trick in humanity.  Somewhere in our life we were told that we aren’t worth it.  We either were treated that way by those who were supposed to love and protect us when we were young and vulnerable, or because of decisions we made in the past, mistakes, we buy into the lie that we don’t have value and we aren’t worth being loved.  And yet we can spend our whole lives trying to prove that we are worth being loved and go to incredible lengths to try to show everyone that we are of value.

But you don’t have to prove anything.  Let me say it again.  You have nothing to prove.  The fact that God created you is enough.  That oxygen flows in and out of your lungs, bringing life to your blood cells, is enough.  What if instead of constantly trying to prove ourselves to ourselves and everyone around us, we just acknowledged that because we are alive and loved by the Divine, that we are enough.

Tomorrow is the one day self-love challenge.  Now if you just read that sentence and rolled your eyes a little, I understand.  I used to respond in the same manner.  And then I realized that being a control freak and a perfectionist, and being harder on myself than anyone else hadn’t really gotten me the things in life I want… peace, happiness, self-control, etc.  Has the way you’ve been living your life taken you to the heights of your dreams?  So why not take one day and commit to loving yourself?  Why not take one day to be completely and utterly gracious with yourself?  Why not take one day and instead of criticizing yourself for making a mistake, simply affirm that you love yourself anyways, just the way you are?  Here are a few places to start...

1.  Make the commitment to love yourself for 1 day:  Make the commitment and choose love for yourself.  Do it now.  If love is the greatest gift we have to give, what could be possibly wrong with loving yourself for one day in all your thoughts and actions?  Go ahead and literally write it out right now or type it in an email to yourself or send it as a text to yourself.  "Tomorrow I will commit my entire day to practicing self love."

2.  Affirm yourself verbally throughout the day:  Think of the most loving thing you could say to yourself, and repeat regularly throughout the day.  Get up and repeat it OUT LOUD to yourself first thing.  Write it on a post it note and stick it on your bathroom mirror before you go to bed tonight.  If you are having trouble coming up with something loving to say to yourself, try starting here.

3.  Forgive yourself immediately after any intentional or unintentional mistake:  So you just screwed up and maybe no one else knows it, but you do.  Immediately forgive yourself.  If it helps, you can allow yourself to feel your remorse and then say... "I totally and completely forgive myself for ____________________ and I release myself of all my anger and all my disappointment."  Try it.  Forgiveness is incredibly powerful and it is the one of the most freeing things to experience.  In fact, maybe you want to start your day by forgiving yourself for everything you've done that you have yet to forgive yourself for.

4.  Give yourself a gift:  Choose one thing to do for yourself that you know brings you life and you know cares for your soul and heart.  Maybe you love going for a run but haven't had time lately.  Maybe there is a good book you just haven't allowed yourself to read lately because you haven't had time.  Read it.  Maybe there is a friend that always brings you life that you haven't spent time with or talk to lately.  Ask them to hang out or simply call them and just talk.

Taking the one day self-love challenge is a gift that you can give to yourself with no strings attached.  It's only one day.  How bad could it possibly be?  A better question and motivation is, how incredible might it be?  What if you discover some things about yourself?  Wouldn't it be worth it?

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to email me via the website and I will be glad to get back to you before you wake up tomorrow.  What do you say?  ARE YOU WORTH IT?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”  - C.G. Jung

"Loving yourself…does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather it means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart, a guest worthy of respect, a lovable companion. "- Margo Anand

"Well-ordered self-love is right and natural." - Thomas Aquinas

If you are interested in subscribing to the mailing list and receiving these via email, simply click under ‘subscribe to the mailing list’… all the cool kids are doing it.

Intentions only get you so Far

Warning! There is an assignment today and it may seem ‘hokey’. When I was a kid I grew up on top of a 2 mile hill in Pennsylvania. We had a gorgeous view looking to the East where the sun rose over the little valley. We had a few acres of beautiful lawn and I was in charge of mowing it. It would take hours every week to mow and maintain it. It seemed like I spent half of my life as a child riding a lawn mower back and forth to make the diagonal pattern that my mom wanted for our lawn.

It would only happen if I did it. I remember laying in bed in the morning and daydreaming about having magic powers so that the lawn would be done at the snap of my fingers. I had such a vivid imagination that I would snap my fingers and believe so hard that I had magic powers and that the lawn would magically be cut. I would run to the window and expect to see the grass cut. But, as you have probably determined, I didn’t have magic powers and I would be so disappointed when I got to the window and saw that the work still had to be done.

That’s how it is in life. The work has to be done. Good intentions won’t do the work for you. You have to do the work. The work is what actively transforms your life. Intentions and attitudes are vital because they help to set the direction of your life… but the work is just as vital because the work is what activates and actually transforms us.

Later this week we are going to participate in the one day Self-Love challenge. But today I would like to introduce some of the work to you. When my mentor, Mastin Kipp, first introduced me to this work I immediately thought it was ‘hokey’. I wanted to love myself more and knew it was necessary to a better quality of life. But I didn’t want to engage in something that I had predetermined to be ‘goofy’. The difference is, I had never tried it and my mentor had been practicing it for years. So I gave it a shot and found that the work… well the work, works. So here it is.

Stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eyes and repeat five times... "I totally, deeply and completely Love and accept myself just the way I am".  Yes you have to say it out loud.

Allow your self to believe that that might possibly be true. That you might be able to love and accept yourself just the way you are right now. Leave open the possibility that there is a chance that you could feel that way about yourself. If you can’t bring yourself to do this in front of the mirror, try just saying it out loud without one.

Now allow those things that you dislike about yourself to come to mind. The things about yourself that sometimes disgust you. Those things you wish you could change about yourself.

Now pick one of those things that you dislike about yourself (just one for now). Stand before the mirror again. And say this to yourself. "Even though I (Fill in the blank, the thing you dislike yourself) I totally, deeply and completely love and except myself just the way I am." Repeat that five times. If you don't feel a change within you, Even the slightest change, Repeat it another five times.

Now, be aware of how you feel. Is there a change? Even the slightest change? Throughout the day, as the things you don’t like about yourself come to mind, take a deep breath and repeat that to yourself. You don’t have to get in front of a mirror, but it does help.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Nothing will work unless you do”  ~Maya Angelou

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overhauls and looks like work.”  ~Thomas Edison

“Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you are interested in subscribing to the mailing list and receiving these via email, simply click under 'subscribe to the mailing list'... all the cool kids are doing it.

Confessions of a Control Freak!

I’m a control freak. I like to control everything I possibly can. I try to control situations at work. I like to control my environment at home so that I’m comfortable. I like to control other people so that my relationship with them is what I fantasize it being like, not what it has the real potential to be. I like to control my children so that they do exactly what I want them to do, not what they want to do. I want things to be done my way, to unfold my way, and to end up… MY WAY! And so on and so forth. I used to think that the more control I had in life, the better quality of life I would have. After all, that’s what makes the most sense to me. If I can have control in life, then I can have life on my terms… the way I want it to play out. I’ve fought most of my life to gain the most control I can in all of my circumstances, relationships, jobs, and recreational activities. I’ve read books on how to gain control of every aspect of my life and have eagerly applied the principles. The problem with trying to control other people, inanimate objects, and life circumstances is that control over anything other than ourselves is an illusion.

We can control our choices, our intentions, our attitudes, and our actions. We can control the way we respond to the things that happen in life and the meaning we attach to the outcomes. We can also control the things in life that we choose to create and the paths that we take on this journey. But we can’t control every other living organism that surrounds us on the planet. And we can’t control 99.9% of our life circumstance.

When I’m pouring my heart into something that I’m creating and giving myself over to, I am my happiest and best self. Be it a project, relationship, or my art. As the creation begins to take on a life of it’s own, which is the most beautiful part of creating, I find myself at home and content. However, inevitably, the control freak within me will rears its ugly head and begins to whisper into my mind. “All this work, sacrifice and energy will be for nothing if you don’t take control.” I begin to look at the circumstance as ‘mine’. I stop appreciating the circumstance for what it could be and begin to look at it in terms of ‘what can I get from this.’ Most of the time things go down hill from here. I begin to obsess and worry about things not ‘turning out’ the way I want them to. The way I think they should. But something occurred to me one day. What if I surrender?

When the idea of surrender hit me I thought it was 'nice'. I surrendered some things on that day and found some peace. It felt incredible to let go of the tight hold I had on a few things and relax and trust.

But then, everyday something new would come to mind that I knew I needed to surrender. So I would... As best I could.

But this concept and practice of surrender has yet to let go of me. Everyday it dogs me until I surrender more. I've been reminded once again that I'm a total control freak. I've also been reminded that when I relinquish control over circumstances and relationships, room is made for life to be breathed into each situation because I don't have a strangle hold on it. The Divine has a way of resurrecting life circumstances when we surrender and trust that everything will be ok. Learn to let go of the stranglehold you have on life circumstances, in surrender, and allow The Divine to breathe life back into them. __________________________________________________________________________ “If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly in those moments.” ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

“Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? what could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.” ~Eckhart Tolle

The Courage to Let Go

How many times do we have to remind ourselves of our mistakes?  Seriously.  Answer that question for yourself.  How many times do you NEED to recount a mistake you’ve made in order for you to be satisfied that you’re aware of that transgression?  I believe that there is an itch within us that may never be satisfied.  It’s like a shame monster that constantly needs to be fed.  So the mind brings up our own mistakes over and over and over again. You could be in the middle of an ordinary day and see a color or smell a fragrance and immediately you are reminded of the way you hurt someone or how you cheated the system in the past.  And then, the shame monster just sinks it’s teeth into you and doesn’t let go for hours… days… weeks… even months at a time.  Why is that?

Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements says, “True justice is paying only once for each mistake. True injustice is paying more than once for each mistake.”  He goes on to say, “How many times do we pay for one mistake? The answer is thousands of times. The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. The rest of the animals pay once for every mistake they make. But not us. We have a powerful memory. We make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we punish ourselves. If justice exists, then that was enough; we don’t need to do it again. But every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again, and we punish ourselves again, and again, and again.”

The question is, why do we do this over and over again?  I believe at the heart of this matter is a pathway to freedom.  Freedom to forgive ourselves.  Freedom to love ourselves unconditionally.  The truth is, paying for a mistake once IS enough.  It just is.  So feel the remorse.  Feel the regret.  But then move on.  Verbally tell yourself that you forgive yourself… even if you don’t believe.  In fact you can say out loud, “Even though I don’t feel like it, I totally and completely forgive myself.”  The spoken word is extremely powerful.

Could you imagine a life where you accepted yourself just as you are?  Where you loved yourself just the way you are without making a single change?

Almost every time I ask  this question to a client or at a speaking engagement, someone will in turn ask me this… “But if I accept and love myself just the way I am, where will my motivation to change come from?”  My answer is always the same.  Love IS the greatest motivational factor in all change.  If you love yourself unconditionally, at the center of who you are, you will want to begin to show yourself love with your actions and with the way you think about yourself and life.

So how many times do you need to be reminded of your failures and mistakes?  If you have forgiven yourself, isn’t that enough?  Don’t you deserve justice?  Maybe you could learn to ‘let it go’.

Sustaining long-lasting Efforts

Recently I wrote about Power and Motivation for Change.  I’ve worked with and currently work with plenty of clients who have made major changes in their lives because of a new romance, new child, or new career.  It’s amazing to see someone turn their life around and deal with their limiting beliefs, addictions, and co-dependency because they want to be a better person for their family, community, or career.  It’s such a privilege to play a small role in transformation of people. One particular man I worked with left his addiction to substance abuse and pornography because of the birth of his beautiful daughter.  But what he, like all of us, found out quickly was that changing for other people, even little loved ones that we helped create, cannot sustain lasting change.

Loving someone else so much that we make changes for the better can be a powerful initial motivation for transformation.  It’s like a rocket launch.  It takes so much initial power and fuel to lift that rocket off the ground that we can and should use every possible motivation initially.   And once that rocket hits the edge of the stratosphere and beyond, it takes less and less energy to keep that rocket off the ground.  Eventually, momentum continues to carry that rocket as long as it stays the course and doesn’t get pulled into the gravitational field of any planets or objects in space.  However, the space between the ground and the outer atmosphere requires an extreme amount of power and fuel.

So it is with major life changes and changing of your habits, thought patterns, and belief systems.  Making changes for others is absolutely great fuel in the short term.  But in the long term, we must make these changes and stick to them for the love of ourselves.  If we aren’t making these changes because of the love we have for ourselves, then they won’t be long term differences.  Eventually our true belief systems will take over and ground most of the changes made, if not all.  If you really don’t think that you’re worth caring for yourself and if you don’t value yourself enough, you will stop your new behavior patterns and return to your old ones.  Because changing our habits is difficult.  It does require a large amount of energy.  And our life can be a long haul.

So what do you think about yourself?  Are you worth the changes you’re making or want to make?  Could you let yourself believe for even a moment that you are worth it?  Can you LEARN to love yourself more?

Own Your Change

I speak in public all the time.  It’s the nature of almost every job I’ve had as an adult.  I’ve spoken all around the world to all sizes and types of groups.  It really does come naturally to me and its one of the few things that I know I do well.  I’ve spoken at sales conventions, camps, churches, masques, music festivals, art festivals, retreats, conventions, etc.  I absolutely love it.  I am not an accomplished artist, lyricist, musician, athlete, or sales person.  But put me in front of a crowd with a purpose and a vision to share, and I will go to town. One of the things that I’ve realized about myself because of this is that my views and thoughts are constantly being formed.  If I spoke on a topic tomorrow, that I know I spoke about 2 years ago, those two speeches might be completely different.  In fact, I may even contradict tomorrow, something I said 2 years ago.  That’s because I grow and change.  We all grow and change.  It isn’t just me.  That’s the nature of being human.  If we are constantly learning, reading and experiencing, then what we believed and lived yesterday won’t necessarily be the same as tomorrow’s beliefs and experiences.

Some core matters and beliefs may stay the same.  And some core matters and beliefs very well may be transformed.  You can see this growth and transformation in almost every author, songwriter, actor, businessperson, artist, etc.  Even in the scriptures you can look at the apostle Paul’s early writings and see how his thoughts and beliefs have changed and expanded compared to his later writings.

This kind of change can really freak people out.  They begin to wonder if the life they lived yesterday is somehow less valuable because they lived by a different standard or a different set of values and beliefs than they do now.  They may have enormous inner turmoil because they no longer have the same paradigms that they learned growing up.  This can also lead to a crisis in which they believe that there is something wrong with them because they have changed over the years.  This kind of subtle inner struggle can wreak havoc on someone’s life in subversive ways.

But if you simply acknowledge that we all change and we all grow, and that change and growth is a good thing, then there is peace to be had.  You can begin to affirm and ‘own’ your growth and transformation.  It may feel like your in new waters and that can be extremely frightening.  That’s because as we grow, we are always taking risks.  When you learn something new, occasionally you can feel like it changes everything.  And when you’re comfortable with the way things were, it is scary to face the world with new eyes.  But with new eyes comes fresh perspective.

So let yourself be you.  Welcome the change and welcome the growth.  Stop the inner turmoil that comes with thinking that you always have to stay the same and always believe the same things.  It’s just not how growth and health works.

What are some things that have changed for you?  What beliefs did you once hold so dearly that now you realize you need to release and let go so that you can live into what you truly believe?

______________________________________________________________________________

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”                    ― Anais Nin

"Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth.  To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one's potential."  ― Bruce Lee

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.”  ― Heath L Buckmaster 

the Intentionality of living in the Now

Be where you are, not where you’ve been or where you think you’ll be going. If you’re anything like me, your mind is thinking a thousand thoughts all the time.  Vacillating between several different streams of conscience, all the while analyzing and searching for the ‘way’ to go next.

Should I go with the tile or the laminate?

Would it be better to talk to this person face to face or would an email suffice?  Maybe I should just call them.

Why did he say that?  Is he disappointed in me?  How do I find out and what should I do about it?

Do I want to send them to school or should I seriously consider home schooling them?  What would people think of me?

Often, these ever-speaking voices are occurring right in the middle of something ‘else’ that we are doing.  Taking away our attention from the moment and draining our emotional energy while robbing us of the potential of being present.

How many times have you heard or thought, “you can’t get the past back and you can’t live in the future… you only have this moment.”  There is great wisdom here, as cliché as it may sound.  It’s extremely helpful at times to analyze past decisions so they might inform us of future decisions.  Likewise, it’s extremely helpful to plan for the future.  But when it comes to living, truly living, you only have the moment in time and space that you find yourself presently.

I find 3 simple things that help me ‘get out of my head’ and into the moment I’m living.  The first is more of a foundational truth.  No matter what has happened or is going to happen, the Divine has enough resources for me and IS enough for me to sustain a quality life.  If this is a foundational belief of yours, then in many ways, nothing else matters.  So you screwed up.  God can mend that.  So you aren’t sure what’s going to happen tomorrow with the things you care most about.  The Divine never stops actively caring for you and does not run out of resources.

The next two things are more along the practical lines.  Schedule time to simply think through the past week and the next week.  Limit that time.  Say, maybe, 1 hour per week.  And when you seem to be overwhelmed in the moment with a multitude of thoughts, simply remind yourself that you have time scheduled to think through these things.  I even write them down in an email and send it to myself so that I can let go of that thought as soon as I hit ‘send’.

Finally, have a physical ‘move’ that you do when you realize that you aren’t being present with yourself, those around you, and the current moment.  Maybe its as simple as tapping your heart three times to remind yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically that you want to be present with the person that you’re looking in the eye right now.  Yes that sounds weird.  But not as weird as coasting through your life being unintentionally.

Being present isn’t a new concept.  But having a plan of action so that you can intentionally be present is invaluable.

_____________________________________________________________________________

"If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is." ~ Author Unknown

"With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now". ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don’t think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you’re hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time." ~ Art Buchwald

When 'They' won't Love you Back

Recently I was helping a client work through some limiting beliefs and behavior. He did not realize that his beliefs were limiting him, but it couldn’t be more obvious to the intentional observer. He was explaining to me about a woman whom he is friends with but he wanted more from the relationship. His world revolved around her acceptance and response to him. His days become judged by whether or not she paid the kind of attention to him that he desired. He had confessed his love to her several times over. Every time he did, she would respond by telling him that while she appreciates his friendship, she didn’t have those same feelings of romantic love towards him. Time and time again he would try to win her over and time and time again she would turn him down. According to him, she couldn’t be clearer about not wanting a deeper romantic relationship. She was not leading him on.

And yet one of the reasons he came to me was to ask me to help him figure out a way to win her over. Interestingly enough, that’s not what I do. I help people recognize their own limiting beliefs and behavior patterns, and help them break those limits and choose healthier and more loving beliefs and behaviors. Anyway, he wanted to be with her more than anything and this pointed to one of his biggest limiting beliefs… “My value comes from other people’s acceptance and love.” So I asked him, “why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” Without a thought he responded immediately, “because I love her.” So I asked him again, “but why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? And this time, for the sake of argument, you can’t respond that you love her.” Silence. Through a couple simple exercises we quickly got to the core problem. He had determined that he was not going to be valued unless a woman that he desired ascribed a value to him. It was that simple.

This brings us to one simple truth. Our value and worth is not based on who loves us and cares for us. It is not based on how many people love us or care for us. Our value is based on the Divine’s love for us, and subsequently, our love for ourselves. Stop. Go back and read those italics sentences one more time. We cannot find our value in the love we receive from other people. Because our value does not lie in other people. It lies in the Divine and the Divine within ourselves. And once we realize this, and choose to believe it at the core of who we are, we are free to actually love others without stings attached.

Now don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying that community isn’t valuable and necessary. I’m not saying we weren’t made to love and be loved. What I’m saying is that no person can ever give us our worth, identity, and purpose. So I’ll ask you. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? It’s one thing to share love with someone in service who may or may not want that love. But there are a whole new set of strings attached when we tie our worth and value to receiving love back from them. My friend has come to realize this. I would venture to say that he already realized this but never put it to words. His road forward is not impossible, but it will take some time to break those limiting beliefs and affirm truth. But it can be done. I know. I’ve done it.

Where does your value and worth come from? How many people respond to your status update? How many people read your blog? The amount of numbers attached to your paycheck? How your kids respond to you? We both realize that I could go on and on with these questions, but I won’t. I’ll end by asking this. Does your value come from the love of the Divine and your love for yourself? If not, email me. I’d love to help.

________________________________________________________________________________________ “There's nothing like rejection to make you do an inventory of yourself” ~James Lee Burke

“Rejection, though--it could make the loss of someone you weren't even that crazy about feel gut wrenching and world ending.” ~Deb Caletti

"I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.” ~ Billy Joel

Power and Motivation for Change

The health of your habits will be in direct proportion to the amount with which you love and value yourself. What? Ok, let me put it this way. The more you love and value yourself, the healthier your habits will be. This seems like a simple concept right? A no brainer. The more I care about myself, the more I will want to actively care for myself. And yet how many of us have habits that we know aren’t healthy and wish we could change, but we feel powerless to do so? This is true at every level. Some of us have paralyzing addictions that keep us from having any sense of clarity and tend to compound poor choices upon more poor choices. We don’t love or value ourselves much, so we don’t put an end to the self-destructive behaviors that we engage. These behaviors are what we are comfortable with and we aren’t sure how to cope in any other fashion. Breaking the gravitational pull of these habits can only be done when we determine that we are more valuable than we previously thought.

And then there are other, more subversive unhealthy habits that we may have formed. Co-dependence, emotional soothing eating patterns, working all the time, searching for validation through social media, and lack of exercising, to name a few. What are some of the habits that you wish you could change? That you feel you really want to change, but haven’t succeeded yet.

I used to think that it was a matter of just really wanting the new habit or really wanting to get rid of the old habit. But habits are simply a by-product of how we view ourselves. You can’t ‘make’ yourself ‘want’ something more than you do. But you can choose to love and value yourself. The more you love and value yourself, the more your ‘want’ for caring for yourself will grow. Love for yourself will break the gravitational pull of any unhealthy habit and will automatically replace the poor habits with healthy ones.

In the past I’ve tried to shame or fear myself into changing the way I lived my life. I need to exercise more. I need to stop smoking. I need to eat better. I need to get more sleep… and so on and so forth. I would literally try to do mental gymnastics to convince myself and attempt to motivate myself to make changes. But the reality is, I was only going to make the changes that I felt I deserved. I was only going to live the life that I valued.

The real kicker is that loving and valuing ourselves is a choice. We can decide to love ourselves. We can determine that we are worth it. It isn’t a matter of convincing ourselves as much as it is a matter of believing the truth that we have value. That we are worth being loved. Making a choice is a powerful thing. To agree on a daily basis that you are worth it, that you do love yourself, will have ramifications that will reach your children's children. And then actually making choices to actively love yourself and value yourself. Instead of playing mental gymnastics, you can put your energy towards making decisions to care for yourself.

Not long ago, these concepts were completely foreign to me and seemed too ‘self-helpy’ or too ‘Stuart Smiley-ish’. But with some age, and a little bit of maturity, I began to realize that there is nothing as valuable as caring for, loving, and valuing myself. In loving myself I’m becoming a better person. In becoming a better person, I make everyone’s life around me better. I'm absolutely still learning how to value myself and love myself. But I'm finding the more I do, the better my choices and habits become.

So how about it? Are you stuck in some unhealthy patterns? Do you beat yourself up for not being the kind of person you ‘want’ to be or think you should be? Why not simply make the decision to determine that you are valuable and choose to love yourself? I dare you to say it out loud with conviction. No seriously, I double dog dare you.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” ~C. Joybell C.

“You leave old habits behind by starting out with the thought, 'I release the need for this in my life'." ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

"I think the most important thing in life is self-love, because if you don't have self-love, and respect for everything about your own body, your own soul, your own capsule, then how can you have an authentic relationship with anyone else?" ~Shailene Woodley

The Power of an Agreement

The power of an agreement is extensive. An agreement is a statement that was told to you at some point in your life, probably early on, that you eventually agreed with. It could be positive or negative. But the power lies in agreeing with the statement. For example, I have a friend who at 12 years old had her mother tell her that the shorts she was wearing didn’t agree with the size of her thighs. It went something like, “oh honey, your thighs are too big to wear shorts like that.” What a terrible thing for a mother to tell her daughter. But the long term, extensive reach of that statement happened when my friend agreed with her mom. For years she didn’t wear shorts… ever. The internal dialogue went something like this… “my thighs are big and out of proportion. I don’t look good in shorts. I shouldn’t wear shorts anymore.” And the agreement was born. And you can see how powerful it is.

This is one example of millions of agreements that are made. Some statements are subtle… “you don’t know how to tell a joke”. “You are a bad driver.” “Your arms are a little flabby”. “You’re not smart enough to be a doctor”.

And some statements are just brutal… “You’ll never amount to anything”. “You’re just like your father”. “You’re an idiot”. “Playing an instrument is for pansies”. “You’re ugly”.

These are just statements from people who have issues of their own obviously. The real power happens when we internalize the statement and turn it into an agreement. “He’s right, I am ugly”. “She’s right, I’m not really that smart”. And so we set our lives on a course in believing the lies that we are told. And it affects us every single day of our lives.

I grew up wanting to be a rock star. I would stand in front of my mirror at home as a child and sing for hours, pretending to rock a stadium full of fans. When I was in 6th grade I had a music teacher who was mean, abusive, and just plain old crochety. She told all of us over and over again that our voices were horrible, often times yelling at us for not hitting the right notes. I don’t know about everyone else, but I immediately began to believe her. I never joined chorus again and stopped singing in public for the most part. It took me years to break that agreement. I’ve been singing with a band every week for about 10 years on and off and it wasn’t until about 5 years ago that I broke that agreement.

Agreements are powerful and we all make them. The beauty of agreements though, is that they are completely subjective. You can break a negative agreement and turn it into a positive one. It’s as simple as that. Now it isn’t necessarily as easy as that. But like everything else, it starts with an intentional decision. “I’m not ugly. I am a beautiful child of God”. “I’m not just like my father. I’m my own man now”. “I’m not a silly blonde. I’m a creative, resourceful, intelligent woman”.

It’s powerful and the choice is all yours. What agreements have you made that are guiding and directing you in a negative way? What new agreements can you make that could open up new avenues of creativity and enjoyment for you? Make an intentional choice and see what happens.