One Day Self-Love Challenge

Yes, I do believe that one of the single most effective and powerful things we can do to participate in the Divine’s transformation of our own lives is to learn to love ourselves more.  Time and time again, as I work with people, when we get to the core of the problem, be it limiting belief, addiction, etc., it is a lack of self-love.  The thing that’s behind the thing that’s behind the thing is that they have placed a very low value on their life and don’t believe they deserve to be happy.    It is the most messed up thing of all and most people are barely aware of it. I genuinely think people want to be happy.  Yet deep down in places they haven’t explored often, they don’t believe they deserve to be happy or are worth it.  It’s the most devious trick in humanity.  Somewhere in our life we were told that we aren’t worth it.  We either were treated that way by those who were supposed to love and protect us when we were young and vulnerable, or because of decisions we made in the past, mistakes, we buy into the lie that we don’t have value and we aren’t worth being loved.  And yet we can spend our whole lives trying to prove that we are worth being loved and go to incredible lengths to try to show everyone that we are of value.

But you don’t have to prove anything.  Let me say it again.  You have nothing to prove.  The fact that God created you is enough.  That oxygen flows in and out of your lungs, bringing life to your blood cells, is enough.  What if instead of constantly trying to prove ourselves to ourselves and everyone around us, we just acknowledged that because we are alive and loved by the Divine, that we are enough.

Tomorrow is the one day self-love challenge.  Now if you just read that sentence and rolled your eyes a little, I understand.  I used to respond in the same manner.  And then I realized that being a control freak and a perfectionist, and being harder on myself than anyone else hadn’t really gotten me the things in life I want… peace, happiness, self-control, etc.  Has the way you’ve been living your life taken you to the heights of your dreams?  So why not take one day and commit to loving yourself?  Why not take one day to be completely and utterly gracious with yourself?  Why not take one day and instead of criticizing yourself for making a mistake, simply affirm that you love yourself anyways, just the way you are?  Here are a few places to start...

1.  Make the commitment to love yourself for 1 day:  Make the commitment and choose love for yourself.  Do it now.  If love is the greatest gift we have to give, what could be possibly wrong with loving yourself for one day in all your thoughts and actions?  Go ahead and literally write it out right now or type it in an email to yourself or send it as a text to yourself.  "Tomorrow I will commit my entire day to practicing self love."

2.  Affirm yourself verbally throughout the day:  Think of the most loving thing you could say to yourself, and repeat regularly throughout the day.  Get up and repeat it OUT LOUD to yourself first thing.  Write it on a post it note and stick it on your bathroom mirror before you go to bed tonight.  If you are having trouble coming up with something loving to say to yourself, try starting here.

3.  Forgive yourself immediately after any intentional or unintentional mistake:  So you just screwed up and maybe no one else knows it, but you do.  Immediately forgive yourself.  If it helps, you can allow yourself to feel your remorse and then say... "I totally and completely forgive myself for ____________________ and I release myself of all my anger and all my disappointment."  Try it.  Forgiveness is incredibly powerful and it is the one of the most freeing things to experience.  In fact, maybe you want to start your day by forgiving yourself for everything you've done that you have yet to forgive yourself for.

4.  Give yourself a gift:  Choose one thing to do for yourself that you know brings you life and you know cares for your soul and heart.  Maybe you love going for a run but haven't had time lately.  Maybe there is a good book you just haven't allowed yourself to read lately because you haven't had time.  Read it.  Maybe there is a friend that always brings you life that you haven't spent time with or talk to lately.  Ask them to hang out or simply call them and just talk.

Taking the one day self-love challenge is a gift that you can give to yourself with no strings attached.  It's only one day.  How bad could it possibly be?  A better question and motivation is, how incredible might it be?  What if you discover some things about yourself?  Wouldn't it be worth it?

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to email me via the website and I will be glad to get back to you before you wake up tomorrow.  What do you say?  ARE YOU WORTH IT?

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“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”  - C.G. Jung

"Loving yourself…does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather it means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart, a guest worthy of respect, a lovable companion. "- Margo Anand

"Well-ordered self-love is right and natural." - Thomas Aquinas

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The Worst Expectations are Someone Else's

Last week I wrote about taking practical steps to pursue the life you want.  I’ve had many conversations via email, facebook, and over the phone about that particular post.  The number one topic of conversation wasn’t about more details concerning the ‘how’, but was all about the ‘what’. It amazes me how many grown adults have no idea who they are, what they want to do or who they want to become.  They are still uncertain about the kind of life they want to live.  In the context of a road trip, the biggest question isn’t how to get to the destination as much as ‘what is the destination’ to begin with!

Why is it that trying to figure out who we truly want to be and what kind of life we want to live be so difficult and almost elusive?  Well I believe it’s a matter of expectations.  In my experience of working with people who are trying to figure this critical piece out, they have no idea what they truly want because they haven’t let go of the expectations of others.  They are too busy pleasing others and trying to live a life approved by their parents, faith group, the opposite sex, etc. that they have no room to discover who they are and what they want.

David Deida, in The Way of the Superior Man, offers this insight to all men trying to live a fulfilled masculine life… “Live as if your father is already dead”.  Now if you back up a minute and gain some perspective you will see how truly powerful this advice is.  I have a wonderful father and I’m blessed to live near him and be able to connect with him on many levels.  However, I can no longer live my life trying to please him.  That would be ridiculous and unsustainable.  I have to live my own life by my values and my principles, led by my heart and my relationship with the Divine… not his.  And he wouldn’t want me living to please him.  He’s too healthy for that.

Now this doesn’t apply to just the masculine.  It applies to everyone, masculine and feminine.  How many people do you know, or maybe you’re one of them, that went into their first career because it’s what their parents wanted them to do?  Only to find themselves burnt out because they weren’t doing something that made them come alive.  Because they weren’t giving the gift they were purposed in life to give.  They married the person they were ‘supposed’ to marry.  They bought the house and the life that they thought they were ‘supposed’ to.  Never truly asking, is this what I really want?  Is this the life I want to live?

How many people do you know that continue to make huge life decisions based on what the particular sub-society they are a part of values.  I’ve seen it in high society, low society, faith society, and family structures.  The only sustainable life you can live is the one you want to live.  And even then, you have to fight and work hard for it.

Now I’m not saying you should walk out on your life long relationships, marriage, career, mortgage payments, etc.  Certainly I’m not saying that you should wish your parents weren’t around anymore.  The funny thing is, I work with people whose parents have long been dead, and they are still living a life that tries to please their dead parents, and not their living selves.  I’m not talking about shirking the responsibilities that you have and the commitments you’ve made.  But I am talking about shedding the expectations that aren’t your own.  Discovering who you are and what you want.  What makes you come alive?  What brings you the greatest joy in your life?  What makes you happy?  What is your unique relationship with the Divine? And how can you pursue these things more in your life?

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I choose today to live my life according to my expectations and no one else.  I will do what it takes to discover who I am, what I want, and how I want to live my life.  I am capable of listening to my heart, connecting to the Source, and discovering what I want in life and who I want to be.

Loving Yourself

Why all the talk about loving yourself?  Because I firmly believe that until you learn to love yourself, you will always be limited in your ability to receive love from others and give love as well. Now I’m not talking about selfishness.  And I’m not talking about narcissism either.  Acting in selfish and narcissistic ways are not truly loving to one’s self.  Spoiling the inner ‘brat’ that cries and whines and always wants it selfish little ways is not the path to growth, peace, love, joy, etc.  So please don’t get confused as we talk about loving self.

I’m speaking of actual love.  Pure love for yourself.  The kind of love that is gracious and kind.  The kind of love that reaches in and accepts you just the way you are.  The kind of love that motivates us to become better people, not out of ‘shame’ or ‘should’ or ‘ought’… but out of kindness and compassion.  The kind of love that extends second, third, and fourth changes (and in some cases 107^th chances).

Many religious people (and I’m talking about several world religions) mistakenly believe that their faith calls them to dislike or even hate themselves.  At the very least, they mistakenly believe that they must never think of themselves under any circumstances.  However, I just don’t find that to be a sustainable faith.  In fact, I believe that the more we love ourselves the more we are able to accept the love of the Divine.   The more we love ourselves, the more we see our own value and worth.  And the more we see our own value and worth, accepting love for ourselves, the more we are able to truly see the value and worth in others.  And of course, the more we see the value and worth in others, the more we are able to give to them from a wealth that is Divine.

The other side of that is if you don’t love and accept yourself, it will be extremely difficult to receive love from others and even from the Divine.  Why?  Because if you aren’t actively loving yourself, you won’t feel like you are worth the love of the Divine.  The coolest thing about God is that sometimes God breaks into our lives and allows us to actually feel Divine love.  Often times, this is the only thing that can help us to shift our perspective on loving ourselves.

So how can you begin to actively love yourself more today?  What are active ways that you show yourself that you love yourself?  Is there a self-destructive habit that you are addicted to that you can give up?  Is there a way you can affirm your health and thereby actively show yourself love?  Are there thought patterns that need to be addressed?  Is there an area of your life where you could apply some grace and stop beating yourself up?  Could you forgive yourself for something you've done or taken the blame for?  Could you just simply accept your body, just as it is?

It only takes the tiniest actions of self-love to start a bit of an avalanche.  And that’s one chain reaction worth setting in motion.

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Today I choose to love myself.  I will extend myself grace and acceptance when otherwise I would normally choose criticism and shame.  Today I will choose to make at least one decision that actively shows myself love.

The First Step towards Change and Growth

There are ways in which we think about ourselves that often we aren’t aware of. Take self-acceptance for example. There is nothing more powerful than the ability to love yourself. And the first step to loving yourself is accepting yourself, just the way you are… right now. Not 1 year from now, or 3 years from now. Not when you have a different job, the great promotion, the right life partner, the right children, the right house, car, etc. But accepting yourself right now, just the way you are. Here is how most of us operate. There are things about our lives that we aren’t satisfied with. Maybe it is something as simple as not being satisfied with our job. So we don’t accept that part of our life until we end up having the kind of job we like or the kind of income we desire. We tell ourselves that once that happens we can accept ourselves and really begin loving ourselves. What we often don’t realize is that isn’t how self-acceptance and self-love work. It doesn’t just begin to happen when we reach certain ‘goals’. No. Self-acceptance and self-love begin when we make the choice to accept ourselves. And this is a choice we must make day after day for the rest of our lives.

Now the job scenario was an easy one. Lets dig a little deeper. Maybe there is something about yourself that you just can’t stand. Maybe it’s the way you can never keep to a diet or an exercise routine. Maybe it’s something as simple as the inability to quit smoking. Or maybe you don’t like how judgemental you are or you don’t like how easily you give yourself away physically because you’re just desperate for love and connection.

There are several issues that arise when we aren’t accepting of ourselves. The first is we often take on a sense of shame and ownership in a very negative way. We believe that because we’ve made a mistake or messed up again, we deserve the shame and many of the negative emotions that we feel towards ourselves. Secondly, we tell ourselves that this behavior is unacceptable, and so, we are unacceptable. This is such a huge block to growth in our lives.

It is nearly impossible to make changes in our lives when we are being motivated from a place of disapproval, unacceptance, and self-dislike. Nothing drains us more of motivation and energy than to dislike ourselves. Nothing blocks our hearts off from the love of the Divine more than our own self-hatred and self-loathing. And this is the nasty dirty little secret of life. We want to change because we recognize that we want to live better lives, but secretly, in ways we often aren’t aware of, we hate ourselves for making the mistakes we make on a regular basis. And self-hatred is completely counter-productive to growth and change.

But what if we radically accepted ourselves right now. Without hesitation. What if we CHOSE to accept ourselves with all of our warts and blemishes. What if we accepted ourselves right now, even though we are addicted to ____________________ or can’t help ourselves when it comes to _______________________.

When we accept ourselves just the way we are, by simply making the choice to, we relax our hearts and open them to be filled with new life. Our hands, that were once clinging to self-hatred and disapproval are now free to reach for and hold onto hope, change, and growth. You will find it almost impossible to make change based on self-hatred and disapproval. So make the choice to accept yourself just the way you are and begin to experience the motivation and energy to change because you care for yourself and want the best for yourself. It’s the difference between night and day within your own heart.

If you believe in a Higher Power you might start by asking For help in this area. If you don't believe in a Higher Power you might start by taking five minutes to sit with the decision to accept yourself.

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Even though I can’t stand that I always ______________________________, I choose to totally, deeply, and completely love and accept myself, just the way I am. In loving and accepting myself I am choosing a better way of life.

Don't Engage... Be Present

Full disclosure... I am unmistakably a believer.  In this space I often use the term 'The Divine' to refer to the Higher Power.  Please allow yourself to replace 'The Divine' with how you've come to know and understand God. ______________________________________________________________________________________

The world has a funny way of bumping into us and completely changing our inner state of being.  One moment we’re happy and content, going through our day, and then BAM!  Someone that we really don’t feel good being around runs into us with the kind of passing comment that can immediately derail us.  We end up having 4 or 5 different conversations with that person in our head for the rest of the day.  Maybe we tell them off.  Maybe we logically box them into a corner and then knock them out with the tremendously practiced words we’ve worked so hard to come up with.  All in our head of course, but knock them out none the less.  The problem with this is that it takes up a tremendous amount of energy and time throughout the day!  Also, we rarely end up having a conversation with the person, let alone along the vein of what we’ve rehearsed in our minds.  There is another way, a way that doesn’t take our entire day hostage.

As painful and uncomfortable moments arise during our day, and they most certainly will, we must be aware that we are experiencing those feelings.  Don’t engage them or try to change the world around you in order to make yourself feel more comfortable.  Don’t spend your energy immediately, trying to do whatever it takes to make those feelings and pain go away.  Instead, sit in rest and relaxation, being fully present with those feelings and allowing the old, hidden, suppressed pain that rises up to come up fully and release itself.  This will take a tremendous amount of faith in the Divine.  Faith that the Divine won’t allow us to be swallowed up by that pain.  Faith that the Divine will provide for us emotionally what we need at that time.

When someone or some circumstance bumps into you and makes you extraordinarily uncomfortable, ask yourself… What is it I’m feeling?  Inadequacy? Insecurity? Fear? What is behind that feeling?  More of the same?  Or something different.  Let yourself be purified and healed as you allow yourself to go through the uncomfortable moments of fully recognizing your pain and discomfort emotionally, instead of suppressing those experiences and hiding from the truth. The Divine will care for you in those moments, even when its painful.  You will come out the other side with great clarity and confidence of the Divine within your heart.  It is only after you have been fully present with your discomfort and pain and that it has passed by without you being wrapped up in it, that you will have the clarity to decide what it is, if anything, that you want to change in your life.  Maybe you just needed to have those emotions come up so that you could be fully present with them and allow those emotions to slip away.  Or maybe when life bumped into me they came up to show me things about myself that I would like to change on a deep level.

One thing is for sure, if you spend your energy trying to keep yourself comfortable all of the time, you will be left with an empty life that is full of busy work and controlling/manipulative behavior… completely unaware of what is truly going on deep within your own heart.  NO THANK YOU!

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Today I will allow myself to have the courage to trust The Divine and relax as problems arise throughout my day.  I won't hide from the discomfort or the pain that bump into me today.  Instead, I will take a deep breathe, sit with my discomfort and ask myself... what is being revealed within me?  Why is this so uncomfortable?  How can I move forward?  I will trust The Divine will provide the way for me.